When I was chatting with one of my E-type friends the other day, I was surprised when she made the observation that the reason I don’t have a lot of friends is: “You’re slow to learn to trust.”
“Oh?”
“Like when we first met and I wanted to borrow some books. You said I could borrow more books after I returned one.”
To me that seems like a logical response–a “live and learn” response to earlier incidents. Before meeting her, I’d lent books to people that weren’t returned. Because of the negligent actions of a few irresponsible people, I’d adjusted my lending policy to everyone.
As Amanda Doerr points out in her INTJ FAQ: Dealing with INTJ’s, “Don’t expect [INTJs] to respect you or your viewpoints just because you say so. INTJ respect must be earned.”
To us INTJs, this is practical. Actions speak louder than words; we are not predisposed to take things on faith. But that does not translate into being untrusting or suspicious. That would mean I started off everyone with a negative score. And I don’t. I just expect people to prove their worth, or their worthlessness.
I perceive myself as trusting because initially I give people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone starts off at +1–with some notable exceptions. When I’m driving, for instance, I eye all other drivers with a -1 suspicion that they are out to crush my Miata. Their score is automatically set at -5 if they are either in a SUV or on a cellphone, at -10 if both conditions are true.
My friend had the bad luck of asking to borrow books after my experience of someone else not returning them. Had I not been trusting, I wouldn’t have lent her any books at all–even though the fault was not hers. Instead, I gave her the +1 credit; I’ll lend you this book but you have to earn my trust by returning it before I’ll lend you any more.
I love hearing the things that other people remember about me. This incident happened almost 20 years ago and she’s never forgotten it. For her, it is a clue into my personality, a telling reaction that explains my social interactions. For me, it was no big deal. In fact, I don’t remember the incident at all–only her telling of it.
My point is that I never thought having few friends was a result of my J-type judgmentalness. I just assumed it was from my I-type introversion.
Like most I-types, I have a few very close friends rather than a lot of acquantances. JQS described the tendency of us I-types to prefer to be “one of the few, the chosen” thusly, “If everyone’s your friend then the fact that you call me your friend is meaningless.” Yes, that’s us. We prefer to be singled out. To be special. To be one of the inner circle. And we confer upon our friends the honor of membership in our inner circle.
Responding to the pressure that E-types place on us I-types to be more like them (ranging from calling us shy to calling us snooty), I have on many occasions throughout my life made an effort to be more gregarious. My journal is filled with descriptions of people I hardly remember meeting and my earnest attempts to be attentive to them. (Sometimes I think I should delete them from my journals and permanently erase them from my life–for there is no life within my life unless it’s written down).
I think that the bottom line is that I find most people boring after awhile. That’s probably worse than not trusting them. I think dealing with a person I didn’t trust could be pretty interesting.
I never had the opportunity to be classified. I have no idea whether I am I or E–or A, B, or C for that matter. When did this great sorting out take place for you?
* This group of posts is about my life as an INTJ–per the Myers-Briggs personality inventory. There are four categories each with two extremes resulting in 16 basic types. Tests and books abound but I find you can get a pretty good idea of which type you are by answering these four questions.
1) When you are stressed out, do you need time alone to think things through (I-type) or do you long for someone to talk things out with (E-type).
2. When learning something, do you prefer just the facts (S-type) or are you drawn to the theoretical, poetical, allegorical, and unexplainable (N-type).
3. When making decisions does your heart rule your head (F-type) or does your head rule your heart (T-type).
4. In dealing with others do you prefer a plan and closure (J-type) or do you prefer to keep your options open and wing it (P-type).
You might favor one answer strongly or be somewhere in the middle. Different circumstances (a work project rather than a family vacation) might cause you to react differently. The important thing is to understand that other people naturally react differently to the same situation based on their types. Most of us think our friends are just like us (we assume we are the norm) and are confused when they behave differently. For example a J-type stresses out when there isn’t a plan. We don’t mind changing the plan, we just need a starting point. A P-type will feel penned in by the plan, micro-managed. As my P-type stepson would protest, “You can’t plan your life. You have to live it!” — mss
I haven’t heard of this personality sorting before, I’m quite interested now.
Here’s how I would assess my answers to the above four questions: I, S, T, and J. The only one I’m not completely sure about is question #2. I think I almost always prefer just the facts. But I know I really enjoy comparing the actual facts to the theoretical, allegorical, and unexplainable because often there’s some truth that hides in between.
That is totally fascinating!
* Another test for intuitive (N) vs sensing (S) is: do other people annoy you when they jump from topic to topic or do you annoy other people by jumping from topic to topic. There are plenty of online assessments or books on Myers-Briggs. Just Google for more info. — mss
Yes, I’ve been burned with books that weren’t returned. I support the idea of one book first, but apparently that might be an explanation better not verbalized at the time of a first loaning, unless pressed, at least it was with your friend. But I think her reaction is her problem, not yours.
I think the MB test is at best, an indicator and agree with the observation “…there’s some truth that hides inbetween.” I’ve always enjoyed a number of casual friends, but have preferred only a few I would consider intimates. Interesting conversation and food for thought.